University President Acquires Nuclear Weapons

University administrators across the world are losing patience with insubordinate and disobedient faculty.

A recent report from the Institute of University Affairs illustrates the extent of the problem nationwide. A record high 92 percent of full-time university faculty either Agree or Strongly Agree with the statement, “I don’t give a f^*k about what my President tells me to do.”

One university leader, Professor Pete Robertson, the newly appointed President of Asinus University, has had enough lip from his staff. In a world first, he has persuaded the Academic Board at Asinus to acquire nuclear weapons.

“I will not be ignored,” said Professor Robertson. “Every time I tell my academics what to do, they just laugh and walk away. Well, look who’s laughing now?”

The acquisition of the thermonuclear weapons, allegedly sourced from a former Soviet republic, is rumored to have costed Asinus University upwards of $58B.

Jennifer McMahon, President of the Asinus University Student Union, has serious concerns about the expenditure. “I mean, $58B is a lot of money that could have been spent on scholarships, right? Plus, student members of the Anti-Nuclear Proliferation Society are seriously pissed.”

But not everyone on campus opposes Professor Robertson’s acquisition.

Professor Sally Stone, Executive Dean of the Faculty of Medicine, is pleased to see the university finally taking a harder line on defiant staff. “I sympathize with President Pete. I told my faculty that they had to cut 10 percent off their budget. When I next checked in on those sh*ts, expenditure had actually gone up 14 percent!”

Asked how he intends to deploy his newly acquired nukes, Professor Robertson explained, “People need to understand, I’m not bluffing here. You file a grievance? Boom! You fail to follow a management directive? Boom! You park in my reserved parking spot again? Boom! As I said, I will not be ignored anymore.”

Phil Roscoe, Asinus University’s Director of Occupational Health and Safety, defended the administration. “Look, there will be strict university procedures in place to regulate the circumstances under which the President will be able to deploy the weapons.”

Roscoe expressed optimism that the threat of deployment could dramatically improve compliance with the University’s recently implemented COVID-19 vaccine mandate. “People will understand that we’re doing this for their health, of course.”

Asked where the weapons will be stored when not in use, a university spokesperson said, “No comment,” while nervously glancing over towards the bell tower.

Professor Andrew R. Timming

This article is published under a Creative Commons 4.0 License.

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