University rankings are increasingly used by potential students and academics, all of whom (let’s face it) would rank universities in order of preference regardless of the existence of these university rankings.
Professor Alisa Sycamore, a trade union activist at Stultus University, has leveled a devastating and logically unassailable critique against the use of university rankings, warning potential students and fellow academics never to rank-order universities, or anything for that matter, or else.
“Look, there is absolutely no difference in quality among universities. All universities are created equal, just like all people are created equal. It’s that simple.”
Professor Sycamore, who graduated with a B.A. from Yale and a Ph.D. from Princeton, explained that there is absolutely no difference in quality between her alma mater and any other university in the world.
She explained that hierarchies are unhelpful and unnatural. “I’ll be damned if anyone can produce objective proof that, say, Trump University, when it existed, was in any way inferior to Yale. And even if you could produce such evidence, that would be outright discrimination, and we all know what to do with people who discriminate.”
Professor Sycamore presented her own ranking of the top five reasons why rankings should be opposed at all costs. These are ranked below in descending order of importance.
5. “All preferences are exclusionary. Everyone should prefer everything equally, or else.”
4. “Social researchers should never ask participants to rank-order anything because we know that ordinal variables are indisputable evidence of discriminatory attitudes.”
3. “There is zero evidence that allegedly ‘higher’ ranked universities result in higher salaries. Besides, even if there were such evidence, all salaries should be the same because employees cannot be rank-ordered in terms of individual performance.”
2. “If we rank how much we like certain universities, then why couldn’t we rank how much we like certain people? That would be discriminatory against non-friends.”
1. “University rankings ignore the indisputable fact that no other hierarchies exist anywhere in the social or natural world.”
Asked whether she saw any contradictions in her thinking about rankings in general, Professor Sycamore responded, “Absolutely not, you bigot.”
Professor Andrew R. Timming
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