Postmodernist Abandons Postmodernism, Becomes a Computational Social Scientist

Dr. Jacelyn Winiewoski, Distinguished Professor of Sociology at Stultus University and author of The Postmodern Conditionality Predicated on, and Imbibed with, Proportional Discursive “Facts” and Hegemonic Foliage in an Age of Disaster Capitalism, has shocked her followers by abandoning postmodernism.

“I used to think that there was no such thing as reality, and that truth was just an illusion. Then one of my students asked me if it was true that there is no such thing as truth. I was paralyzed and the only response I could think of was, ‘Touché.’”

Dr. Winiewoski was largely responsible for the “postmodern turn” in sociology over the last two decades. She rejected “grand theories” and often used a photograph of a photograph of a toaster to illustrate the ephemeral nature of meaning and life.

“I mean, it’s still a toaster, right? That toaster is real. You can use it to toast Pop Tarts. The fact that it’s depicted in the context of a multi-level photograph doesn’t negate its “toaster-ness,” just like the existence of my right hand doesn’t negate the existence of my left. You know what I mean?”

When asked to further explain, she responded, “Never mind. I don’t know what I’m talking about. I guess old habits are hard to break.”

Dr. Winiewoski’s sudden decision to abandon postmodernism was severely challenged by the wider postmodern community.

“Postmodernity, or “Post” ipso facto “Modernity,” as it is, or should be, conceptualized, is not just the absence of modernity, but, in fact, the dialectical deconstruction of modernity vis-à-vis pre-modernity, whereby “truth,” as it were, is predicated upon fiction, and fiction is predicated upon “truth,” especially insofar as truth and fiction are perceived, rightly or wrongly, through the lens of Empire, and its ineluctable march toward Western supremacy, or the supreme-ness of being human, much like Dasein stands in paradoxical relation to esoteric philosophy. Dr. Winiewoski knows this to be true,” said Professor X, a pan-sexual identifying postmodernist from Xavier University.

But Dr. Winiewoski rejects that premise altogether. “Yeah, it’s just nonsense. All of it. It’s a bunch of fancy words strung together to sound as though the author has something profound to say. But there’s nothing there. No meaning. Just grammatical complexity that obscures the fact that postmodernists have nothing of substance to say.”

Dr. Winiewoski is keen to retrain as a computational social scientist. She’s been brushing up on rational choice theory, game theory, and evolutionary theory, and learning to code in R and Python. She’s particularly interested in running simulations of social networks using Markov chains.

“I just want to leave all that postmodernism behind and embrace neo-positivism. At least I won’t have to pretend that it’s not a grand theory.”

Professor Andrew R. Timming

This article is published under a Creative Commons 4.0 License.

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